The problem
The books moved you, then quietly did not change very much.
Perhaps you have read those books, the ones where quantum physics is invoked the way incense once was, for atmosphere rather than accuracy. Perhaps some of them moved you, and then, over months, did not change very much, and you half-concluded the failure was yours, that you had wanted insufficiently or visualized impurely.
It was not your wanting. It was the method. Marina and Paulo leave the same forty-minute meeting certain of opposite outcomes, both intelligent, both attentive, both telling the truth. There was no neutral meeting to attend. Before you can create anything deliberately, you must reckon with the instrument through which you meet the world. The instrument is not a window. It is a workshop.